Dreams & Desires

If you'd like to hear the audio of this along with further discussion, check out the 8000 Promises podcast hosted by my friend, Adi Tilford.  We had an amazing converstation!

Dreams, desires and longings and how they might tie into God’s will for our lives.  That was the subject Adi told me this series was going to be about when she asked if I’d be interested in being a contributor.  She also mentioned that she was excited to hear my perspective which “has some more life behind it.”  Ha ha!  I had to laugh and reply, “that was a very kind way of saying I’m old!” But I certainly have to admit that as I have gotten older my ideas about dreams and desires and God’s will have evolved quite a bit.

The older I get the more time I have to spend in my own head, thinking through my own thoughts on things - which in one sense sounds lovely and quite a luxury, but in another sense I've come to realize that it's a dangerous and even unhealthy thing to spend too much time in our own thoughts. We tend to be a very self-

centered lot, humanity, and so much of our thinking can be spent on me, me, me and how decisions or situations or relationships or whatever, affects me, is good for me or my dreams. 

Now that's not to say that self reflection is bad - or even thinking about our own well-being is bad, but I've found that if left to our own devices for too long we can easily make everything about us!  But what was that first line of The Purpose-Driven Life that so many of us (older) folks read so long ago?  "It's not about me."

While God certainly wants each of us to know how very beloved we are, I've come to land on a very basic theology for life in general. I truly believe that God simply wants us to learn how to be loved and to love, well. That's it. Nothing else. Now certainly that can look a lot of different ways for a lot of different people. Some really need to learn how to love themselves, just as they are, and others might need to learn how to love others well and get outside of their own wants and needs. Then when you start talking about dreams and desires and longings it can easily go back and forth between being all about you and how you might make your mark in the world OR all about how you can make the world a better place or others' lives better.

I know there was a season in my own life and many others' as well, when we become more aware of the gifts and skills, education and personality type that we've been given and some of us think, "What am I supposed to do with this? What does God want me to do, specifically, to be salt and light, using the gifts he's given me?" It can be a daunting question and for many, it felt like there was a single answer that they needed to discern or discover and then execute. I had friends who were stressing out if they hadn't figured out what that "calling" or direction was.

Personally I went many years trying to figure out what I wanted to be when I grew up, and I finally figured it out in my forties and then did it by fifty and since then it has morphed and evolved and turned into something very different than what I'd originally envisioned God calling me to. But I think that's the point. In hindsight I see that there were all sorts of possibilities of what I could have done or which direction i could have gone and I truly believe that they're all viable, valid and within "God's will." I think we can get stuck thinking that there's only one right answer to our questions about God's will and our life's work (which usually includes our dreams and desires). . . . And I say "work" very loosely because sometimes it's a paid profession or vocation and other times it's a calling that you do however you can fit it in.

I thought I was being called to be a pastor in a church, which I did for four years.  But then the last seven years I've been doing work outside of the church, at a multi-national corporation no less, and as I look back I can see God's hand at work teaching and growing me, helping my dreams bubble up once again in a very different way.  I've spent so much more time in the last seven years with people who don't know Jesus and I've been blown away by the Christ-likeness of so many.

It seems that the older I get the more the "boxes" of belief I had about God, about how God works and God's expectations for us continue to be blown apart. I think much less in specifics when it comes to my theology and a lot more in generalizations because the truth is...we really don't know exactly how God works. 

What we do know is that God calls each of us beloved. God made each of us uniquely and creatively and gave each of us gifts and skills and "bents" in how we are. I don't believe that God expects us to take any one certain path but simply says, "Here you go! I've given you lots of tools to start with and you'll pick up more along the way, and I'm going too!  I'll be right there with you, so go for it, have fun, learn how to love well, and enjoy the journey!"

The Journey of Forgiving

 (To listen to this in audio, go to the 8000 Promises podcast for 3/18/24)

Thanks so much for joining me today as we look a bit at the idea of forgiveness and why it can be so darn difficult but is so very important for us to practice.

I listened to a sermon by Lutheran pastor Nadia Bolz-Weber recently where she was looking at the text from Luke 2.  In it Mary and Joseph take the baby Jesus to the Temple to present and dedicate Jesus to God, as was the custom. They were surprised when they were there that a Spirit-filled man named Simeon declared as he held the child that he could finally die because he had seen the long-awaited Messiahû* in this little baby. He said amazing things about the promised Savior and Mary and Joseph were blown away. 

Simeon went on to say to Mary, “This child is destined for the falling and the rising of many in Israel, and to be a sign that will be opposed so that the inner thoughts of many will be revealed - and a sword will pierce your own soul too.” (Luke 2:35, NRSV).

Nadia writes that Simeon was spot on in his prophecy. Throughout scripture and throughout history we see many rise and fall and oppose Jesus as they reveal their hearts, their inner thoughts: coming down on Jesus for eating with sinners, healing on the sabbath, and putting the Scribes and Pharisees in a bad light when he told his parables.  Their hearts revealed that the rituals and rules of the day and keeping their power were more important than truly caring for the people.

I’ve had my own moments when my ugly inner thoughts were revealed. Times when my selfishness and self interest outweighed the needs of a friend or loved one. Or when I withheld my attention towards someone because if I’m truly honest, they didn’t have anything of interest to offer me. Ugh, yuck. It feels gross just saying/typing that. What would your inner thoughts reveal about your actions?

I think this is why I love the time in worship for the prayer of confession that we practice in the Presbyterian church and many other denominations do as well. Because truth be told, I’m not always real diligent about including confession in my prayers. I love the prayers of confession because if we’re honest, both corporately and individually our inner thoughts can be just awful and our actions (or lack of action) even worse, and so what better way to be cleansed from all that yuck than to confess it, acknowledge it to God - literally “come clean” with God - and receive forgiveness. Such a simple thing…but not always easy.

At the Ash Wednesday service I attended recently the pastor talked about how we may be good at confessing but asked, “do we really receive the forgiveness we’re offered?” Most of us aren’t very good at receiving. We prefer being givers.

It’s funny because, as a pastor I preached often on the idea that in order to be able to fully love others, and fully experience all God has for us, we have to be able to receive the unconditional and limitless love that God has for each one of us and then in turn, love ourselves, fully realize our worth. In other words, we have to be good receivers before we can be good givers. But many a good, independent, pull yourself up by your bootstraps American struggles with receiving. We live in a country that is all about Independence with a capital “I.”  “I don’t need any help. I can do it myself,” we continue to tell ourselves (sounding just like a three year old). We are encouraged to not ask for help and our goals for our kids are to be happy and independent adults. We struggle to receive from others. We struggle to receive fully from God as well.

I recently became very intimately aware of this reality as I went through training to use a white cane. I have low vision that continues to deteriorate and so I thought it would not only be wise but helpful to learn how to use a white cane. But I hadn’t expected the mental and emotional turmoil that this process brought with it. Beyond having to think about and listen for so many different things at every traffic intersection, the reality that I was now committed to publicly proclaiming through the use of my cane (lovingly named “Jane the Cane”) I was advertising that I was legally blind and I might need help. It was a very vulnerable, very humbling feeling. I felt very exposed. I remember the first time I walked with my cane outside of my little neighborhood and tears started streaming down my face. I was committing to this. It was a big deal. And if I’m really honest, my pride (that strong streak of independence and non-reliance on others) was coming to the surface and making itself more known. I had to acknowledge that I’d been carrying around a lot more pride than I’d realized. As I said, it was a rough transition.  

In much the same way, if we want to be good forgivers, we need to be good at accepting the forgiveness that God and others offer us. Ugh. That’s not always easy either because I really believe that many times even  unbeknownst to ourselves, our pride keeps us from receiving or offering forgiveness…or both. But it’s oooohhhh sooooo necessary and important to figure this out! Forgive us our debts as we forgive our debtors. Or as we said it in seminary which for some reason I preferred, forgive us our sins as we forgive those who sin against us.  Notice how God worded that for us?  We first need to BE forgiven, that is, accept the forgiveness offered to us, BEFORE we can truly forgive those who have sinned against us. Read that sentence again!

Once we are able to accept God’s forgiveness we are much more capable of forgiving others who have done us wrong.  And truthfully, it’s not so much about letting the other person off the hook and it’s much more about not carrying around the burden that you are owed some unpaid debt. Just think for a moment about how that feels…

Have you ever made a loan to someone that didn’t get paid back as expected? Or maybe you’ve done something generous and it went unacknowledged?  Maybe someone left something undone or didn’t hold up their end of a bargain and they’re not even acknowledging their wrong?  It’s a yucky feeling to carry around the burden of feeling “owed,” of feeling like you have been wronged and deserve at least an acknowledgement of wrongdoing and an apology, let alone some kind of restoration or justice. 

Forgiveness is more about releasing ourselves from the burden of that weight of being owed, that weight of debt. Because truthfully, if we had to pay back or account for every sin, every wrong thought or every wrong  action or inaction that we’ve done, we’d never see the light of day. 

Certainly, forgiveness is also a gift to the one who sinned against us - and then they have to be able to receive it. But it’s definitely more about releasing the debt from our own hearts and allowing the forgiving grace and nature of God’s love to take over instead of our insistence for justice.

Now I know I’m kind of making this sound like more of a 12-Step program…. Just do this and then that.  But truly, it is in giving that we receive.  It is in forgiving that we experience forgiveness. That is the very nature of the kingdom of God. It is grace. Feeling the freedom that comes with releasing debt - both as the one indebted and as the one in debt.

The concepts are simple. The reality is that we wrestle over and over again with our own feelings of justice and worth and pride and so many things! If we can just get over ourselves (and yes, this is me talking to myself here!), then we will easily be able to forgive those who sin against us.

It’s a journey, friends. None of us do it perfectly. We each just try to keep doing the next right thing.  God’s got you. God’s got me. We’ve got this.

Feeling Alone in the Struggle

 January, 2024 was a pretty all around shitty month for myself and many of my friends and so it’s been challenging to look positively at this “New Year” and declare it good or happy. I have been through three weeks at work that I would consider hell as an agency we worked with that provided mental health services, and housed the entire team I worked with, ended up being basically shut down and my team members all laid off. I was the sole team member left to contact our twenty clients and let them know that their therapist, case worker and peer specialist who had been providing intensive in-home services to the young person in their family would no longer be seeing them and I am calling to help them find a new provider. People were not happy. I was not happy. The whole situation at the agency that closed was messy and sad and truthfully so disappointing (I’m being very vague and very nice here).

My friend has an elderly mom who fell and broke the second hip in six months, the sewer line broke in her mom’s house, at the same time her sister had a horrible accident and was in the ICU and my friend had to prepare mom to not only go to rehab but transition to assisted living after living independently for 99 years. 

Another friend spent eighteen days of the month helping her sister after she had back surgery with all sorts of amazing hardware put in and around her spine.  Other friends and family had health issues, ongoing grief and loss, Covid (hard stop). And then I received a call that our good friends’ son took his own life. (See my previous post.)

Sweet Jesus, what are we supposed to do with all of that? How are we supposed to navigate so much struggle, and grief and loss and still, like, live and be functional? (I just read a post by the partner of the young man who died and she wrote, “I don’t understand how the world can just keep spinning while I feel so absolutely heartbroken.”)

I am actually a person of deep faith and even I had to just sit for a bit, shake my head over and over again in disbelief, let some expletives fly out of my mouth, talk to people and yell a few more f-bombs, drink some wine, cry…a lot…more than I have  probably cried since I was a young child, and then just sit…and eventually hold it all out to God and say, “Take this shit. I can’t hold it anymore.”

Thankfully, God did take it. It’s not that everything went away and life was once again rosy (ha ha, as if…), but I was reminded in a number of ways that I - and my dear, struggling friends - are not walking this road alone. Oh yeeeeaaaaahhhhhh. Why is it I always kinda forget that in the heat of the moment?

It’s ironic because many many years ago I glommed on to a Bible verse that originally found its home in our checkbook, written out on a nice 3x5” index card that just stayed there in the register so every time I balanced or even just opened the checkbook I’d see it.  It got pretty tattered up and I eventually did throw it away, but it was there for a good number of years! The verse is from the Old Testament book of Deuteronomy when Moses knows that he won’t be entering the Promised Land and he’s trying to encourage and remind Joshua, the new leader who will take his place, that he has nothing to fear.  

He says, “The Lord himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake (abandon) you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged.”

I love this verse because when things hit the fan we can feel sooo lonely, and so alone. We can feel like no one else has a clue, everyone else’s life is great - or at least “fine” - and we’re alone in the struggle, alone in the misery, alone to figure out what in the heck we’re supposed to do or how we’re supposed to respond or even move.

God never abandons his people. Even when we can’t see God’s hand at work, even when we can’t feel God’s presence…God is always there.  Somehow just taking a moment, taking a deeeeep breath, and consciously acknowledging that truth…it helps. It’s stopping and reminding ourselves, oh yeah, oh yeah, I actually know this and believe it. I am not alone. The God of the universe - or your higher power or whatever you choose to call that great big Presence of pure Love, is with me…even in the shit. God is actually carrying me and loving me deeply and strengthening me for all the things.

It’s a promise. And it’s a promise we can go to the bank on. This big God of the universe loves us so much that no matter how insignificant we might feel, God is there and wanting the very best for us in the midst of our circumstances. O thank you God, that you don’t give up on us, that you don’t blow us off and figure we can handle it. You are always there.

All I can do is be grateful…and choose to remember and believe God’s there, and lean in.

I Raise My Ebenezer…to Dylan

I just read something by author Sarah Bessey as she talked about an Ebenezer, a sort of monument or touchstone that is left along a path or somewhere along a journey. It is a marker or reminder that something happened here. Many times it’s an acknowledgement of one of those liminal times or spaces when God came near or simply that our eyes were opened to God’s presence or work or power in that moment or in that place and we need to somehow mark it, take note of it. Mark that place so when you come upon it again you will remember what happened there.

I received a phone call from a friend today who informed me that the grown son of some good friends of ours, Dylan, took his own life last night. My heart is broken for them, for him, for his sister, for his two young sons. I’m so angry. I’m so grateful that my own two grown kids are still walking this earth and are, for the most part, healthy and happy people. I don’t understand how or why my kids have been spared from tragedies like this and my friend’s haven’t. I am reminded of how fleeting our own happiness is, our own security is - how our hope for the future can dissipate like smoke into the air and life can seem literally without hope it seems, in the blink of an eye.  I think many have experienced something close to that at one point or another in their lifetimes. It’s scary…and it’s so sad. I deal with the families of kids who have been in that place and it’s easy for the family to get sucked into that hopelessness and helpless feeling as well.

But even in this hard place of grief and confusion and no clear way forward I take note of this time and this space. I am not alone. My friends are not alone in their deep grief either. Whether we feel God’s presence or not we know God is here in our midst grieving right along with us, arm slung around us helping us to take each painful step forward and, despite the very present pit in my stomach, I know God will continue to be with us all as we go through our days and the reality of Dylan’s absence becomes more and more real.

I can’t help but picture Dylan’s big smile as I think of him. He and his partner and their son used to live right around the corner from us and often walked by our house on the way to the park. He had a sheepish grin that belied the apparent pain that was going on beneath the surface. Dylan struggled in his short life, but it’s his smile that will always stick with me.

My heart hurts to think of the journey our dear friends are starting this day without their beloved son. Much of who I am hinges on words, but there are no words that can touch this pain. So I will keep vigil for my friends, keeping them close to my heart, sending them my love every moment I can, and praying that God continues to carry them and hold them so very close as they meet each new day.  I’ve marked this moment, this place in time with this writing. This is my Ebenezer. I will remember you, Dylan. Your life meant something to me. I’m glad your pain is over and you are now able to fully experience God’s great love for you.

Devotional - Thursday, 2.1.24 - Galatians 5:2-15

“Listen! I, Paul, tell you this: If you are counting on circumcision to make you right with God, then Christ will be of no benefit to you. I’ll say it again. If you are trying to find favor with God by being circumcised, you must obey every regulation in the whole law of Moses. For if you are trying to make yourselves right with God by keeping the law, you have been cut off from Christ! You have fallen away from God’s grace. But we who live by the Spirit eagerly wait to receive by faith the righteousness God has promised to us. For when we place our faith in Christ Jesus, there is no benefit in being circumcised or being uncircumcised. What is important is faith expressing itself in love. You were running the race so well. Who has held you back from following the truth? It certainly isn’t God, for he is the one who called you to freedom. This false teaching is like a little yeast that spreads through the whole batch of dough! I am trusting the Lord to keep you from believing false teachings. God will judge that person, whoever he is, who has been confusing you. Dear brothers and sisters, if I were still preaching that you must be circumcised—as some say I do—why am I still being persecuted? If I were no longer preaching salvation through the cross of Christ, no one would be offended. I just wish that those troublemakers who want to mutilate you by circumcision would mutilate themselves. For you have been called to live in freedom, my brothers and sisters. But don’t use your freedom to satisfy your sinful nature. Instead, use your freedom to serve one another in love. For the whole law can be summed up in this one command: “Love your neighbor as yourself.” But if you are always biting and devouring one another, watch out! Beware of destroying one another.”
Galatians 5:2-15 NLT
The book of Galatians is all about how clinging to the Law and trying to be righteous by following it to a “T” totally misses the mark. One would think that since there’s an entire book, along with much of the New Testament that keeps giving this message, that we would finally have this right!  Somehow we continue to get all caught up in right living and not sinning to the extent that we start worrying about our salvation. But living some sort of “perfect” or sin free life is not the Good News, in fact that isn’t good news at all!  
If salvation is dependent on living without sin in our lives then we’re all doomed. That word always makes me think of the movie Hocus Pocus…”we are doomed!” Ha ha! Jesus came to save us from ourselves, to save us from the hamster wheel of following the Law, failing, making sacrifices to amend and starting over and over and over and over again. 
Our God is a God of freedom!  God has loved us from the moment we existed and that love has not waned or grown since that moment because it’s not dependent on what we do, it’s dependent on who and Whose we are.  I hope you can feel the freedom that comes with that knowledge.  I hope you can release and let go of any guilt or shame or consternation you carry for things you’ve done or said or things you continue to struggle with.  
This is the Good News…God’s love is so great that we don’t have to DO or NOT DO anything to earn it or keep it.  We simply get to accept it and enjoy it, and for some of us, probably many of us, that may take a lifetime to figure out how to do, but let’s keep trying.
Reflection: How easy is it for you to accept God’s love unconditionally?  Do you need to let some things go, or quit trying to meet some sort of bar that’s been set?
Prayer: Lord God, we live in a world that does not encourage “something for nothing.” We continually hear messages of who is or isn’t worthy and who is or isn’t deserving. O God, help us to hear Your voice over all the others. Help us to hear and believe the Truth of the Good News, that we are worthy and deserving of all the love You have for us. Forgive us when we listen to the lies. Strengthen and empower us to break down the walls we’ve built that keep us from fully knowing Your love and forgiveness and help us to share that love with others.
Lord, we continue to pray for peace in the world. May fighting cease in Israel and Gaza, Ukraine and Africa and so many other places that experience warring both great and small. We lift up those we know and know of who are struggling in grief, with finances, with illness, in recovery, with mental anguish and emotional turmoil. Lord, You provide all things and we pray for Your provision for all those in need, even ourselves.
God walk with us through our days.  As we meet and interact with others, give us Your joy and sense of overflowing love that we might share it and spread it to each one we encounter. Help us to continue to be the salt and the light that You call us to be. In Your name and by Your power we pray, Amen.
Soon I hope to create a new site where I can post alll of my writings and recordings.  Stay tuned!

Living in the Kingdom, for real

 My dear friend Adi asked me if I’d like to write something and share it on her podcast, 8000 Promises.  I wanted of course to write something thoughtful, moving and profound.  I wrote two different pieces but really didn’t feel super great about either of them. I shared them with my daughter Sarah, and she questioned a couple of spots, but I still wasn’t happy with either. I’d set a deadline for myself of January 22nd, and here I am on January 21st. Ugh.

But as I was getting ready this morning I had some thoughts that I’m hoping might amount to something worth reading and listening to.  You see, I wanted to present something really solid theologically. Something that many could relate to, agree with and feel good about…but then I thought, that’s not really where I am right now in my faith journey.

In hindsight I think some of my consternation started when I went to seminary.  I had been somewhat firm in my stance that LGBTQ+ believers should not be in church leadership. My church, without really taking a public stand, was fairly clear that’s where we landed.  I did not dislike or hate LGBTQ+ people. In fact, I made suggestions of outreach and support for community projects that supported their community.  But when it came to the church, I felt it was fine to welcome gay folks, but leadership was a place I couldn’t go. Then I went to seminary.

In seminary I met Tony. Tony is gay and loves Jesus and wanted to go into the ministry. And the more I thought about Tony and people like Tony who, like me, heard the call to ministry and ended up in seminary, the more I thought that keeping people like Tony out of church ministry does not align with how Jesus lived and much of what I read in scripture. (I often go back to the text in Acts 11 where Peter explains to the Jewish Christians how God showed him in a dream it was ok to eat unclean food he’d been raised in the faith to avoid, and also how the Holy Spirit came upon some gentiles and Peter was moved to baptize them because he remembered that Jesus had said that, “John baptized with water, but you will be baptized with the Holy Spirit.” Peter goes on to admit that if God gave these gentiles the same gift as he gave the disciples, who believed in Jesus, he says, “who was I to think that I could oppose God?”

All this to say that seminary gave me more questions than answers and it hasn’t stopped since then. I know that there are many Jesus followers who struggle with this and other issues, who have questions because what they read in the Bible and what they see the Church and church people living out don’t jive. They hear messages of how God loves and how we are all made in God’s image, but still exclude various people groups from the church, let alone leadership.

I’m not here to proclaim that I have answers to all of these really hard questions. But here’s what I do know… Throughout scripture people make all sorts of mistakes. People sin. People kill each other; downplay or exclude women, children, people who are ill or unclean in some way, among many others. But God continues to open and reopen the door to himself time and time again. 

Throughout the Old Testament we see this cycle of the people being faithful, then the people falling away and really deep diving into lives of sin, God allowing consequences to happen, and then God welcoming the people when they eventually turn back to him.  And then it happens over and over and over again. We have a God who desperately wants relationship with all of his beloved creatures, US!

Jesus showed us in so many ways how to love well: forgiving (numerous times!), touching and being with outcasts, listening to women and other shunned people, spending lots of time talking with God his father, journeying through life in community - as well as with very close companions, and sharing meals with others. 

There was a book I read and actually went through and discussed together with friends called Jesus Life, and it really stuck with me. It talked about things like living a sustainable rhythm of life, thinking about how Jesus might have spent time with God considering he didn’t have a Bible - what might his praying, thinking or meditating have looked like? It looked at how Jesus defined family, served others, redefined and reframed rituals and it asks great questions about how we might have lost some of these Jesus ways of living.

This is the direction I am going in my faith these days. I think in many ways in my faith I’d gone into auto-pilot for a while there. Then COVID hit and we went online, many of us went into a bit of a depression, and coming out of it we felt very disengaged - disconnected - and unsure if returning to our churches was the direction we wanted to go. 

For my husband Kim and I, we invited some friends who also hadn’t reengaged with the larger church and came together as a house church.  This group that started with eight people has blossomed to seventeen now and we continue to meet every two weeks on Sunday evenings in our home.  Our worship is simple with singing, scripture, prayers of confession as well as for the people and the world. Sometimes I share a message I’ve found that’s appropriate but more often than not we have a discussion of what God might be saying through the scriptures we read and how they apply in life right now, this week.  It’s intimate, it’s refreshing, and it’s very imperfect. And anyone is welcome.  We don’t concern ourselves with deciding who’s in and who’s out. I may prepare our time but we share reading, leading and discussion is for everyone. We serve one another, as well as people and organizations in our community, and try to live out our faith in our daily lives, again, very imperfectly.

I’m not quite sure what the point is I’m trying to make here except that our faith is always evolving. Hopefully, as we learn and experience different people, ask hard questions, try to find some maybe not always easy answers, discuss the mystery with others and try to follow Jesus, we can each be uniquely transformed as we continue this wild journey of faith. We continue to look for and sometimes even experience the Kingdom of God in our world, despite all of its imperfection and brokenness.

I do not have all the answers that is for certain. In fact I have very few. But I surround myself with people who share a love of Jesus or maybe just a curiosity of God, people who love well and help me learn to do the same, who are willing to share life and dive deep, and who tend to bring out the best in me. I’m listening more these days. Trying to connect in meaningful ways . And more and more I’m staying off of auto-pilot and actively and intentionally pursuing the presence of God - hands out and open wide, ready to both give and receive all the he has for me. It will never be perfect, but it’s definitely good. I think God’s ok with that.

2023 Year in Review

I’ve been wanting to sit down and write some sort of review of the last year and vision for 2024, but I haven’t been able to conjure up any real profound thoughts. As I’ve started writing it seems there was an unspoken theme to the last year, and that theme was connection. So here’s what 2023 held…

Our year was filled with amazing travels. I went to Florida with Ellen to go see Lee, Ron, Charlie and Celeese and Mom and Dad. Best memory from that trip is sitting in a hotel w/Lee and El in Sarasota laughing until we were all crying as we showed each other ridiculous reels on social media.  Italy with Sean, Megan and others was so rich it’s hard to share just one or two things. But cooking class making the best spaghetti noodles and tastiest sauce, bruschetta and tiramisu was probably the highlight. A close second would be the smaller towns of Perugia and Assisi. I’d love to return and explore them further along with southern Italy - and stay a bit longer! Kim went with his sister Lois to PA to visit Sarah and family while we were in Italy. He was able to show Lois some of the places we’d seen the previous year, and Lois hadn’t seen the Saturno’s in quite a while. My trip to PA to see Sarah and family in early December did not disappoint. Rilo at 14 is still the loving and silly kid he’s always been. He’s a good hugger like his uncle Sean and he’s close to being taller than me. Rocco at 7 is talkative and energetic and at the same time loves being creative…painting pottery, reading, drawing and doing Legos. Rocco will celebrate his 2nd/8th birthday this year on his Leap Day birthday. Vito was in the shy/I want to be with you but won’t act like it phase this trip. He talks up a storm and loves imaginative play (oh and of course they all love their screen time as well, who doesn’t?!)  I also finally got to see the McSweeney family (minus Chris) while in PA! It had been WAY too long since I’d seen Sammy and I got to meet her 4th babe, Stella.

Our year was also filled with many times of sweet community with our friends and family. The (Alex/Britt) VanMeter’s and Saturno’s both visited in June and Lee and Ron came for their annual visit in July. An additional four adults and seven kids made for some crazy times, but they are all such good parents and it shows in their kids. Hiking, pool time, games, wine tasting and all sorts of shenanigans filled their time here. Uncle Kim enjoyed giving rides on his scooter to the kids! Lee and Ron calmed things down a bit for us, and it was nice to host a party so they could connect with many friends not seen in a while.  

So many evenings filled with our good friends, Dave and Karen Jensen, sharing dinner, sitting around the fire outside, watching sports games on tv, drinking wine and enjoying the life God has blessed us all with. They took me on many an adventure - from paddle boarding to Christmas tree hunting. I’m so thankful for them sharing their lives with us as well as helping in huge, very tangible ways with vet and doctor visits, running me on errands, keeping us in a good supply of firewood, and simply being really good friends. Megan’s dad Mark and his partner Marie have also been great friends to us. They are family. They traveled to Italy with the group as well, always make sure Kim is cared for when I’m away, and they’ve joined us in our house church. We are so very blessed by such good friends and family. 

Our house church grew and each time we meet is meaningful and rich. We’re up to seventeen people when everyone shows up. Simply reading and discussing scripture, occasionally listening to a sermon I’ve found, singing, praying and sharing communion together always makes for a rich time of worship and community. It continues to provide me with a meaningful way to satisfy my passion and call to ministry using my gifts and providing a safe place for questions, doubts and discussion to happen and transformation to take place. Continuing to be transformed, to become more Christ-like, and loving well is always the goal.  It has truly been a gift to us all for a myriad of reasons, and for our situation really fits the bill for what we can do realistically. Many in our group are on one of many teams paired with an Afghan family that immigrated here after escaping Afghanistan. We also serve together feeding college students a couple times a year and being a part of a team for the Sharefest weekend in the springs. I’ve also kept my toes dipped in the ministries at FPCGJ. I helped a few times with the youth group this fall, was on the women’s ministry planning team, and helped plan and lead the Blue Christmas service this December. I also helped preside over communion this summer when the FPCGJ pastor was on sabbatical. It’s been energizing to hang out with young people, continue to connect with other - mostly younger women, and help the church and community acknowledge that the holidays always happy for everyone and provide some ways to be in that space and be ok. 

I celebrated my 60th birthday last year in probably the most meaningful way I ever have. I had read the book The Art of Gathering, and it provided a number of ideas to make gatherings bring about more connection and meaning. I invited those people who bring out the best in me and asked each one to give a toast to “being disrupted” - whatever that meant to them. They  shared a story or something that was a disruption in their life. After telling the story/identifying the disruption, we all toasted it. To add some motivation they were informed that the last person had to sing their toast!  We had about 18 or so people and the stories were each unique, rich, sometimes poignant, sometimes funny and all of them absolutely amazing. The last person was the most introverted and quiet of the group and he ended it all by “disrupting the party” and broke into song leading the group in singing happy birthday to me. I can tell you, it was the best party ever and I guarantee we’ll be doing it again. I’m just now having thoughts about how we could incorporate toasting into our time of worship, asking people to share something around their faith life or experience of God. I’ll report back next year!

In August I connected with the CO Division of Vocational Rehabilitation and started the process to get some help because of my low vision. After a lengthy assessment my trainer Garrett drove over from the front range monthly and then every two weeks to give me training. We started with my workspace and lighting, technological needs, kitchen and everyday living helps (raised stickers to put on appliances so I don’t have to search for the right button to push!), and mobility training. I started white cane training in September and just “graduated” in November by making a loop downtown with a blindfold on. I could write pages and pages about what I learned, but suffice it to say that it was multitasking on steroids and one of the more stressful trainings I’ve ever done. I continue to use Jane the Cane whenever I leave the house. She not only helps me know when tripping hazards exist but she lets other people know that I can’t see well and probably need some extra care as I’m being led through the low lit restaurant, etc..

Kim has been so very loving and supportive as I’ve mentally struggled to release my ego and pride and start sliding into acceptance as someone who can’t do everything she used to do and actually does need help with some things. Not easy for this independent girl. I started going to a therapist to help me with all of this as well as to work on stuff I’ve very efficiently stuffed under the surface for way too long. Dealing with ourselves is not for the faint of heart!

As the year comes to a close we’ve managed to stay healthy while many others have not. We’re grateful for gifts like that that we sometimes take for granted. Kim struggles in the extremes of weather, be it real hot or real cold, so this time of year can be hard for him. I try to get out to walk and to swim as often as I can and the fresh air and dopamine from activity help me to deal with all the stresses. Kim doesn’t have that luxury in the winter - although summer time our yard looks amazing because of his constant care. He continues to greet the many walkers and their dogs as they stop and chat on their way to the park. (When I distributed block party invitations this fall no one knew who I was, but they lit up when I said I was Kim’s wife! Lol!) 

My work at Rocky Mtn. Health Plans/United Healthcare continues. I’m becoming more knowledgeable about mental health issues, challenges it brings, and the many agencies in our communities that work to help families with kids who are struggling with mental illness. My heart can get heavy sometimes working with these families. But other times I can feel really great about how our team has helped empower families and given clients tools to help them work through the issues they face. Tough stuff. 

But God has provided us with the strength, the faith and the hope to believe that we can make a difference in the lives of other people - and I have witnessed amazing healing and transformation (in clients, in our team, in our community).

We continue to have hope for better days to come. While our situations may not change, we have been given the gift to spread love and spread light. We can be illuminators in this sometimes dark world and bring light to places and situations where it has been diminishing. Our prayer is that you will join us in being ILLUMINATORS in 2024. Help spread the light wherever you go. Have deeper conversations. Do your internal work so you will “feel all the feels” - the hard, uncomfortable ones AND the welcome, enjoyable ones! Laugh more. Connect with your friends and neighbors and coworkers and clients. 

Thanks be to God for another year of life, of living, of friends and family like you.

Much love,

Sal & Kim (and of course, Zoe)