I've been reminded this last week of how blessed we are to have the community of friends and family that we have. We found out late last week that Kim has both pneumonia and Covid, which explains A LOT, but has made life so very challenging. But our community of friends and family have been reaching out to us in so many different ways and I'm always reminded after experiencing the love and support of so many, how very blessed we are. In my work as a care coordinator I came alongside so many folks who had no safety net at all, no family who could be counted on and no friends who could come alongside even to encourage let alone offer tangible support. It has opened my eyes to what a difference it means to be in community with others.
I'm also aware, however, how hard it can be to be in community. It means opening up your life to others. It means being transparent and vulnerable and not always being the one in control (as if we ever really are). Since I've had to stop driving and Kim's disability has become so much more prevalent I've become so much more aware of how very independent I was before, and how I really kept many people at arms length to some extent. Sure, I share a lot on FaceBook, but I don't feel like I openly invited people in real ways to be a part of my everyday life (a few, but not many). But I guess simply being involved in things - like church mainly, but also at work - speaking up, sharing things about what was going on in life here and there with coworkers, friends and fellow church-goers opened the door for them to come in more than I realized.
It's always been easy for me to speak in front of groups and much harder to have one on one relationships. I have a very real fear of intimacy that manifests itself by avoidance. While I may be an extrovert in that I am energized by being around people, when I'm in a large group I feel very awkward approaching others and starting up conversation. Ach! I hate that about myself! How I wish I knew how to have small talk... But ask me to preach, or to lead worship/music and share about how a song moved me and why and I'm your person. Weird, I know, but I've always held the value of being myself around other people. So whether it's in front of many or in a small group or even one on one, I can be very honest and open about my struggles, about how I feel about things and what God is doing in my life.
If you know anything about the Enneagram personality types (if you don't, Google it!) I am a nine. So I am a pleaser to some extent, but even more so, I'm thinking about if something I do or say or what others are doing or saying might make others uncomfortable or in an awkward position. I may avoid the later, but not the former. I think it's good to have deep conversations, even hard conversations, but I don't want to back people into a corner, make them feel "less than" or stupid. I'm a connector, a peacemaker, a facilitator, a translator. I help others understand things more fully, I lead by example, I encourage and support, and I almost always think of others before I'll think of myself.
So in a Zoom meeting I try to be as engaged as possible to encourage others to engage as well. In a small group I will open up about things in my own life not only to share and let people in but also to help set the tone of the group - that we are doing life together not just reading/studying some book together. If you want people to open up to you, if you want people to be involved in your life, you have to let them in - as scary as that might seem.
Not everyone can handle transparency. Some people feel they have much to hide that they're ashamed of or embarrassed about. But I've found the more that I share my own failures, shortcomings, embarrassments and fears, the more safe people feel to share theirs. I have no idea how I learned this. I feel like it's always been innate. But it's a gift that, as I've used it, has come back to me time and again. People are refreshed to hear someone be brutally honest about what's going on (without going so overboard that they feel obligated to help or do something, that's never my intent). But because I've let people in they've come to love me...which shouldn't be surprising, but it is. I have felt the love of so many people in my life simply because I shared my own life with them. Such a simple thing, but sometimes also so very hard.
Community is important. It's how God made us to live...intertwined, being there for each other, mourning with each other, celebrating with each other, holding each other up when things get hard, and encouraging each other on the journey. It makes all the difference. I truly don't believe we're supposed to be independent OR fully dependent on each other, but God made us to be interdependent, holding each other up as we limp along together through life doing our best to love God and to love others.
~Sally
