I guess this morning kind of epitomizes our year in a nutshell. I woke up with anxious thoughts of worry, and concern, and being totally overwhelmed by our financial situation. My mind was reeling with not having any idea how we will deal with the seven months of missed payments on two of our four credit cards. The balances were big when school ended, not even counting my school loans, and now they're astronomical. There are medical bills unpaid. One card gave us lower payments and interest for six months, but come February they'll go back up....and while we are so excited for our call to North Carolina, my income will barely cover half of our expenses (and truthfully, I have concerns about what Kim will be able to find there work-wise, and how much it will pay). And this is income just to pay the regular payments...not catch up on anything. They are very real concerns. It's big...too big for either of us to handle. Do we file bankruptcy? Can we even afford to?
And then there's the guilt and shame... We should have lived more frugally. I should've gone out for coffee or pizza less...not gone so crazy having people over and supplying food and drink, not bought the extra books. I should've. I should've. I should've...
This isn't the first morning I've woken up concerned about money. We've had three bills over these last seven months that were non-negotiable, they had to be paid: our health insurance, our phones, and our storage unit with all our stuff in Pittsburgh. These totaled around $1000 each month, and you know what is absolutely crazy and mind-boggling? Every month we always had enough money to pay those bills, and actually we always had more. It makes no sense. The only time we were actually employed was in August working on the orchard, or a few days in September when I worked in the vineyard.
I've written before about how God provided in amazing ways throughout our time in seminary, why do I continue to fear that He's suddenly going to STOP and say, "Ok, Sally, Kim, that was the last of it, you're on your own now?"
Every morning Kim and I try to read the lectionary together (various readings in the Bible), many times a chapter from a book we're reading together, and then we pray together. This morning's readings, like all mornings, started with two Psalms. The Psalms many times have us praising God and giving thanks for who He is, for His ways, for His unchanging love for us, for His acceptance and forgiveness and power and amazing ways of making Himself known to us....I could go on and on..
But the Psalms also open our eyes to how others have let God down, just like we have. They show us people who couldn't see God's face and were scared and anxious - as we sometimes are, too. They show us people pleading for forgiveness, acknowledging their sin, and coming to God in repentance, in humility, in trust...
The Psalms remind us that we aren't the only ones who have trodden this road of uncertainty and doubt. They show us that we aren't the only ones who can overnight go from nearly total trust, to crumbling on the brink of what we think is the end of our lives as we know it. They showed us all this again this morning.
Our next reading this morning was in Isaiah where we read about people who honor God with their mouths, but their hearts are far away from Him. My hand goes up. Here I am, that's me. I've done that. I did it this morning! I will say all the right things and then not trust God in the simplest things, let alone the big ones.
Finally, our readings finished in Luke 1 appropriately enough, four days before Christmas. The angel Gabriel comes to Mary and tells her to not be afraid, the Lord is with her! He tells her all that is going to happen and what she's supposed to do, and she answers, "How can this be...?" And the angel, the messenger of God, tells her how it's going to go down saying that, "Nothing will be impossible with God." And Mary's response? "Here am I, the servant of the Lord..."
It struck me this morning, the simple faith of Mary. It struck me that, whether Mary really was a virgin or whether an angel really came to her or not is inconsequential to me in my faith. The person of Jesus has been very real in my life...numerous times. God has shown Himself to me and proven Himself to me and provided for me - so many times - that it could only have been Him! He is so much bigger, has such a broader view, and has such a better plan for me than I could ever come up with... Why do I continue to doubt that any situation is impossible for Him to handle? Why do I continue to fear that something I interpret as "bad" happening means that God is not in the picture?
All He wants is US, you and me. Here am I...the servant of the Lord. He says, "Follow me....love Me, put Me first....and love others....shine My light in dark places..." When we do that all else falls into place.
That is what our year has been - over and over and over again. Coming back to putting God where He belongs....first in our lives, and loving Him through worship, through gratitude, and through loving others and trusting in Him. We'll be telling stories for the rest of our lives about how God has guided us, loved us, provided for us, and surrounded us with others who trust in Him and help encourage us and be His hands and feet in our life. 2012, for us, has been the year of receiving. Not always an easy thing to do...but in learning to receive from others (housing, gift cards, winter clothing, money for bills, dinner out), we have also learned how better to receive from God. That is our prayer for you as well...
May God bless you in the days and months and years to come, and may Jesus be as real to you as He has been to us this year.
All our love,
Sally & Kim
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